accomplished twins. life is a go
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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