I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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