I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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