not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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