dude i'm inner monologue high
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
