Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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