i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
