We won't sleep together?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I have feelings that need drinking.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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