Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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