Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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