I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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