im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
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