Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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