omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
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