he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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