if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
