he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
