is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
