apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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