My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
