Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
