I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
