I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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