I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
