Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
