I cannot find my penis.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
