So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
