I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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