Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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