Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
