you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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