it was like eating out sand paper
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
