hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
