i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
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