I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
