Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
