I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
