Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Too much gin, very little bucket
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
