foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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