dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
