You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I had to cum in my sink.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
