I need help removing her.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
