This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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