craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
