so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
drinking out of a sandbucket again
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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