Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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