I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
