the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
