I think I died a long time ago.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
