The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
