I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
