She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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