I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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