I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
