Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize