I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
