you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Randomize
