i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
