i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
