I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
