Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
