Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
