I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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