I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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