so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
